


scrape my knees, whatever ( i'm gonna let them bleed )

by toskyewardandbeyond



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Episode: s02e17 Girl Meets Rileytown, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-13 22:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7141409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toskyewardandbeyond/pseuds/toskyewardandbeyond
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She knows if she stays, they might end up screaming at each other because Riley is all things perfect and beautiful but Maya is jagged and sharp and there are some things they just don't hash out, things that are bound to come to a boiling point - Lucas and feelings and bullies, apparently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	scrape my knees, whatever ( i'm gonna let them bleed )

**Author's Note:**

> this hit me ages ago on some roadtrip but it's been untouched since forever so i'm kicking it out.
> 
> mild au to girl meets rileytown because that episode nearly had me fuming, and this was the best way to fix that despite it being nowhere near quality work.

Riley tells her:

 'You are a bully.'

And the whole world stops. 

 

'I don't like being laughed at!'

Riley is serious, she sees it in her eyes, in the lack of a smile, and for a moment, Maya Hart is speechless. 

'For Rileytown? Riley I  _love_  that about you! It's a part of you that's unique, I-'

'No, Maya! I don't like Rileytown and I don't like being laughed at and I don't like you bullying me!'

Riley's chest is heaving and her eyes are wide. Serious. 

Angry. 

Maya is at a loss, but only for a moment. 

'Riley - I'm not laughing at you. I'm not, and I never have. Why don't you know that?'

'Because you make fun of me Maya! You're mean!'

' _Where_  is this  _coming_  from?'

' _Straight out of Rileytown_!'

'Girls?'

They turn as one to see Topanga in the doorway, concerned as ever. It takes a minute to realize they had been yelling - _actually_ yelling at each other. 'What's going on?'

'Maya is a bully.'

' _Stop saying that_!' Her eyes are  _burning_. This is her best friend and nothing makes any sense because Riley is yelling at her. 

'Maya?' Topanga looks at her with questioning eyes, taking a step into the room. Riley's room. 

It doesn't feel like home anymore. 

'She thinks when I say Rileytown I'm making fun of her but I'm  _not_!' Her chest is getting tighter by the second because Riley is only getting angrier, and through it all Riley is never supposed to leave, she's supposed to be constant and all things hopeful, and Maya knows, she _knows_ , this is only the beginning. 

'You ARE! You make fun of me because I'm weird, and not normal, and people notice and you're supposed to care about me but you only make it worse! You're a BULLY, Maya!'

'Riley,' Topanga warns, but Maya barely hears her. 

She clears her throat. Takes a step back. 'Guess I can't change your mind.' 

She thinks it might be wrong of her to walk away, to stop arguing so soon, thinks it's awful because she's already given up, but.

She knows Riley. Maya knows Riley better than she knows herself, she knows whatever Riley's problem is, it won't be fixed before school.

She knows if she stays, they might end up screaming at each other because Riley is all things perfect and beautiful but Maya is jagged and sharp and there are some things they just don't hash out, things that are bound to come to a boiling point - Lucas and feelings and bullies, apparently.

The girls share nearly everything but not at the cost of each other, and, well.

_Well_. 

[ She doesn't want to think about this, doesn't want to think rudely of her best friend, but it hits her hard, knocks the air right out, and she was already struggling to stay strong but now it's worse. ]

Sometimes, Riley and Farkle and Matthews, sometimes they make comments. 

Comments that have been rolling off her back for years.

And she gets it [ she doesn't ], they're in middle school and have next to no boundaries, but that doesn't make it  _okay -_

Maya is in the doorway when she turns around. 'You know what, Riles? You think I'm a bully for the Rileytown thing.'

'I do because you are.'

Maya closes her eyes and takes a breath. When she reopens them, Topanga and Riley are barely in focus. 'Then what does that make you, when you use my home life as an example of how everyone else is better off than me? When you make it a point to say how everyone else should feel better because they're not me?'

She makes it to the sidewalk when the sobbing starts. 

 

The very last thing she wants to do is go to school. 

School where she sits next to Riley. 

School where Riley's dad teaches them, uncannily based on their current lives.

She doesn't want to go. Plain and simple. 

But she has to, her mom doesn't work as much as she does just for Maya to ditch school. 

( She goes to school, but heads straight to the art room. Ms. Kossel puts a hand on her shoulder and stays silent. )

 

It's Zay who finds her, but before she can even think about mustering energy to push him out the door, he speaks. 

'Listen I don't know  _what_  you're doing in here, missing class and all, but Riley is acting  _weird_  and -'

'Riley doesn't need me right now.' Maya shrugs, adds another line to her sketch. She's been here all morning but it might be third period by now. 'She doesn't  _want_  me right now.'

'...Say what now?' He perches on the stool next to her. 

'We're not talking about this.'

'Except we are. Right now.'

'Well I'm not anymore. Accept it or get out.' 

On any given day, she appreciates Zay.

They both have the same self-deprecating sense of humor, they laugh off their problems and responsibilities because it's easier to do that in public when they can go home later and max out their stress levels away from intrusive eyes. [ They've definitely bonded during group study sessions at Riley's, where they usually give up, scream into a pillow, and stuff face with comfort brownies because _nothing_ makes sense why does everyone else understand this crap? ]

Zay's straightforward in a backwards sort of way, where he says _exactly_ what he means but she sometimes has to take a moment to decipher him. Zay can be counted on to give you nothing but the truth, but blunt he is _not_. Listening is key.

But today, she doesn't want any of that.

She doesn't want Zay with his commentary, or his ego that absolutely takes over entire city blocks.

When she breaks it down, Maya just wants Riley.

The threat of tears had only disappeared an hour ago, Ms. Kossel passing her a water with knowing eyes, and if Zay keeps pestering her, she's sure to break. 

'Alright, okay. No need to get  _nasty_.' 

She's too raw, too much of a mess, and Zay's words - word, singular - hits too close. 

Nasty. 

Mean. 

Bully. 

She snaps. 

Her pencil hits the desk with a sharp slap. Maya wrenches her bag onto her shoulder and is out of the art room in seconds. 

 

It's lunch. 

It's lunch and Maya is... Well. She's not quite sure. 

She knows how to be a person without Riley Matthews. She knows. 

She knows how to be independent and not rely on anyone to find a sense of who she is, but when her entire self image has been _ripped_  out from beneath her feet by the person she cares about the most in this whole damn world, she just doesn't know what to do. 

Rileytown was something Maya  _and_  Riley both created because it was  _fun_ , and cute, and quirky and unique and adorable and all things _Riley_. 

It was never a negative thing. Ever. Maya can't imagine how it could be.

Somewhere along the line, Riles had changed her mind.

Rileytown isn't new, not by a long shot, but it isn't something they talk about often, and she can't even remember mentioning it for at least a month. 

She hates that they're fighting.

She doesn't want to keep fighting.

But she also doesn't want to keep rolling with the punches when her life is the butt of a joke. 

She doesn't have a dad. It sucks. 

Money goes straight to bills and groceries and supplies. It isn't the most fun but she knows the value of a dollar over any kid in the school because of it.

Why should that be so terrible? 

She's so focused on this that it takes Lucas kicking her knee to snap out of it. 

'What's going on?'

He's so... Huckleberry. 

He's quick to drop next to her on the grass, still wet from last nights rain. Offers her some grapes that, no doubt, his mom packed for him. 

She takes three. 

'Am I a mean person?'

'No.' His shoulder bumps hers. 'Sometimes you say things that seem mean. But we know you.'

'I thought Riley knew me.'

He doesn't ask, she doesn't tell, and they sit in silence until the bell herds them to English.

 

Harper's class is ...an event. 

The seating arrangement is the same as it always is, Maya and Riley in front with Lucas and Farkle behind them and Zay even further. Despite all Hollywood entertainment evidence pointing towards this, Harper's lesson does  _not_ , in fact, relate to Maya's current life. 

Matthews really should take a few pointers, here. 

'Tell me what you read last night.' Harper grins. 

Riley raises her hand and speaks immediately. 'The main character was a jerk.'

Harper's head tilts. 'Uh, no. Did you read at all, Riley?'

'I always do my homework.'

'It's true, she does.' Farkle supports her. 'But, Riley, that's really not what happened.'

Maya clenches her pencil. 

The reading was nothing more than a short story, something about an old man who can't keep reality and fantasy separate, and Maya actually read it because she  _likes_  Harper, but Riley didn't which means she must've been upset since last night. Riley always does her homework, and she had been fine after school, so sometime between Maya heading off to the art class after the last bell and this morning, Riley had switched gears. 

Her head hurts.

' _No_ ,' Riley says in that way she always does, where her voice goes down an octave and her brows draw together because she doesn't understand how she could be wrong. 'Mr. Mitty was a jerk. He wasn't happy with his life. He ignored his wife and imagined a place that was better and more interesting. His wife cared about him and he ignored her.' 

Oh. 

So maybe the short story  _kinda_  related to her life. But, only depending on your opinion. 

'Mitty had PTSD,' Maya's eyes rolled. 'It wasn't a fantasy, it was a flashback. Sure, he spiced it up a bit, who doesn't, but he wasn't a  _jerk_. Maybe his wife needs to stop controlling him and actually  _care_  for him.'

Riley actually scoffs. ' _Why_  are you being like this?'

'Like  _what_?' Maya slams an open palm onto the desk and nearly everyone jumps. 

Maya's chest grows tight again. She's confused, angry, scared, upset, and she doesn't have a best friend to talk to because _obviously_.

'You're ...childish! And it hurts everyone around you because you're too busy snarking at all of us that you don't even realize you're being-'

'Call me a bully one more time, Riles.' 

Maya can take a lot. 

She can take the jeers.  _Everyone_ tosses comments at her, and she rolls with it because that's what she's always done, she'll fight tooth and nail about anything  _except_ life at home because she _doesn't like to talk about that_. 

She can take being called stupid and dumb and hell, she's even accepted shortstack. 

She doesn't like it, not at all, but she can damn well take it.

But Riley being mad at her for something Maya didn't understand, something Riley wouldn't explain, was breaking her apart and the  _only_ consistent thing Riley had done during their apparent fight was call her a bully. 

Maya knows bullies. 

She may be mean, she may be a handful of irritating sarcasm with zero motivation, but she's no bully. 

'Uh, guys... ' Farkle's voice sounds as small as it did three years ago. 

' _You're a bully.'_  Riley says it slowly, deliberately, and from the corner of her eye Maya sees Farkle and Zay shrink down. 

'Unbelievable.' Maya's head shakes and she stands. 'I have done  _nothing_  but make sure you're  _okay_. Do you know why I have a perfect attendance score? Even when I'm sick as a dog?'

'Maya-' Lucas grasps her hand. 

'Because leaving you alone at school would be a disaster. You would try to fix everyone and all their problems and get so caught up in it that you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. I _love_ that about you, Riles.'

Riley narrows her eyes and Maya is nearly awestruck because Riley is nothing negative. 

Narrowed eyes are definitely negative. 

'But you... You use my single parent, leaky roof, cracks in the walls,  _single parent home_ ,' She reiterates, 'As a reference point for how bad things can get.'

'Girls,' Harper's voice is stern, moreso than any of them had ever heard. Farkle is actually on the floor, under his desk. 'Do I need to remind you there are more people in this room than just you?'

Ignored. 

'I stand right by you despite that. Despite it  _all_. Because you're my best friend. And now, when something is clearly wrong with you, you just repeatedly call me a bully? Instead of talking to me?'

Riley stands up too, and Maya's heart beats wildly. 

'Consider the bay window to be  _closed_.'

Farkle's inhuman noise is the last thing Maya heard before the door, yet again, slams behind her. 

 

[ Needless to say, she ditches the rest of school. Sorry, mom. ]

 

At home, the walls are cracked. The ceiling is leaky. Her upstairs neighbor must have lead feet and the A/C is on its last breath. 

This is  _home_. 

It's got Grammy down the hall and she constantly has _Real Housewives_ echoing through the walls, the smells of dinner always wafts easily throughout because the apartment is so small. 

The cat, Blueberry, who never leaves Grammy's room, periodically peers at her from the doorway. Her eyes glow in the darkness every time Maya stumbles to the bathroom. 

The Matthews' are incredible, they treat her like family and saved her from what could have been a very delinquent teen life. 

Topanga taught her how to be a warrior, how to be fierce and determined and to never be looked down upon, even if everyone stands taller.

Matthews, she likes to pretend he can't teach to save his life, but if she's being completely honest, he's pulled her through nearly every struggle because his lessons are just that good.

They're hers. 

But so is her own mother. 

So is Grammy. 

And Blueberry cat. 

Ginger, her perfect tiny ferret. 

Her walls are cracked. It happens to older places. It's not like any of the Hart women try especially hard to maintain the place, truthfully.

But it's a roof, it has walls, she has a real bed and actual furniture, food is _always_ on the table for everyone. More than that, this apartment has her family. She wishes everyone else could see that. That she has what matters.

Her life could be a whole lot worse. 

[ But actually, it already is. Her best friend literally shut her out. Turned the lock. Banished her from bay window. There's no coming back from this. ]

 

Riley doesn't speak to her for a week.

She's a terrible person, but Maya prefers this to fighting.

When they fight, she can't breathe. The stress hasn't stopped building and the trigger point, she finds, is hearing her best friend cut her down.

 

It takes nine days, and then suddenly life gets awful. 

It already sucked. 

Riley ignored her, point blank. In the beginning, she would scoff at any comments Maya actually mustered up in class, or it would be a repeat of the English incident - snidely calling each other out.

Now it's as if Maya doesn't exist.

Matthews tried to no avail with his lessons, but. Nothing. 

Things are tense with their group. 

Farkle's voice honestly sounds like it had never dropped. 

Zay doesn't even make awkward commentary, he doesn't say much at all, unless it's just the guys with him. 

Lucas was steady but just as lost as everyone else. 

And Maya drags herself out of bed on Friday morning, eyes red and puffy as they've been all week, she's just grabbed her towel when her mom bursts in. 

'Maya-'

'Don't you have a sh-'

'It's Grammy.'

And for the second time, her world just 

_stops_. 

 

Grammy dies two days later. 

 

[ She called Riley that night. 

Straight to voicemail. ]

 

That Monday she misses school, because. 

Obviously. 

The funeral is Tuesday. 

Riley never answered her second or third call. 

She doesn't try anyone else. 

Needless to say, the service is small. 

 

Wednesday morning Maya wakes up to Ginger suffocating her, and she decides today is a day she goes to school. 

[ Three missed days is enough. Her mom works hard, remember. ]

She thinks that she's cried every night for over a week, she thinks she's dehydrated and unstable and miserable. She thinks her eyes will never stop burning, her chest will never stop being so tight, she thinks she can't  _breathe_  - 

She just needs Riley back. 

 

Maya drops into her desk in History before anyone else has even arrived, Matthews included. 

Sometimes he's the first in, others, the last. 

But the desks fill up one by one, and suddenly Zay is trailing a hand across her shoulder. 

She doesn't even look up. 

Farkle stops in front of her and tilts his head, and she might've glared at him except she's so  _tired_. 

'We're here for you, Maya.'

Part of her wonders if they know. 

But, they wouldn't. Maya wouldn't let her mom tell the Matthews about Grammy, and she didn't feel guilty about that because only Riley had met her and even those meetings totaled only amounted to six minutes worth. 

And then she starts to fear for the worst, because Riley isn't here and Riley didn't answer her calls and everyone is being so  _nice_  for no apparent reason, what if Riley -

Riley walks in, Maya breathes a sigh of relief, then feels like crying. 

Again. 

And Riley doesn't even look at her. 

 

They head off to gym next, Maya late because she had to actually get the notes from Mr. Matthews, and then the locker room was locked because the bell had already rung, so all eyes are on her when she enters the gym. 

She stops next to Lucas and when he bumps her shoulder, she stays leaning into him. 

The class heads outside to play kickball, and Maya ends up alone on one team while the others are all together kicking the ball. 

Farkle's kick, unsurprisingly, goes the complete wrong direction. He's the reason the teams switch, and suddenly Maya has kicked the ball too, she's at second base, and the exertion from running isn't getting any lighter. 

'Maya?' Zay is on her base. 

She shakes her head, hands on her knees. Tries to focus. 

[ Grammy is gone and Blue hasn't stopped yowling and her mom is at work constantly and she can't even remember why Riley isn't talking to her and she's alone suffocating - ]

The ball goes sailing and she darts away from Zay, makes it to home base. Her chest is heaving and she can't make it stop. 

It's warm outside but not warm enough for her to feel as if she's in the middle of a Floridian summer, right before a huge storm. It isn't hot enough here, in New York, for the air to feel this thick and pressing, for it to feel as though it's wrapping around her and squeezing.

But there isn't enough air and her throat is too tight and her heart is _wild_ and she's actually _wheezing_.

'Hart, get some water.' The teacher scolds, and Maya gives a breathless nod, stumbling towards the school.

Inside, it's cool. 

It's quiet. 

It's not enough.

Maya sags against the wall before dropping completely, head between her knees because she just wants to  _scream_  - 

But she can't because all the air has left her lungs, her throat is burning, Riley hates her and Grammy is gone forever -

' _Maya_!'

It's Lucas. Not surprising. 

Maya isn't sure what he's saying. At all. She feels his hands on her knees and that's it, because everything else is jumbled and heavy and constricting her.

And it takes twenty minutes, but he - Lucas, with a lot of animated gesturing and concerned expressions - manages to help her breathe again. 

'You need to talk to someone, Maya.' He hands her the water bottle he always carries when they go to gym. 'We don't know what's going on with you, but-'

'My grandma died. And Riley hates me.' She holds the bottle with unsteady hands. Her nails scratch against the logo. 'Apparently I'm a bitch.'

He's silent, then. 

Maya finds that she's okay with that.

 

The easiest way to deal with the Riley situation is to not talk to Riley. 

The easiest way to feel better after something awful happens is to talk to Riley. 

Maya digs her pencil harder into the paper. 

 

During lunch, Riley sits with the cheerleaders. 

Farkle stared at her with big eyes and she knows it's to be expected, but it just makes her head spin more. 

'Maya is there something you want to talk about?' 

Zay and Lucas are late, probably stuck talking to their math professor. 

She shrugs, hair spilling off her shoulder. 'No.'

'Maya.'

She bites her cheek. 'Fine. Yes.'

Farkle has always seen the most complicated of things as simple. This explains why he doesn't even blink when saying, so easily: 'Then talk to me.'

It takes a moment. Or three. 'Riley thinks I'm ...a bully.'

'That was made pretty clear last week.' Farkle nods. 'But Maya, you know you aren't one, right? A bully.'

'Maybe I am.'

'What? No you're not. A bully intentionally hurts something. On purpose. To cause pain.'

'I got it, thanks.' She snips. 

'I don't think you do, Maya. You've never done anything to hurt any of us. Even if you call us names, we know it comes from a place of endearment. Sure, you threaten to castrate me on occasion, but you're very far off from being a bully. Trust me.'

She looks at him then, with sad eyes, because he would know. 

But everyone takes things differently, not everyone can roll the jabs right off their back, and if the jab keeps coming consistently, that's consistent pain, too. If Riley has always been upset about Rileytown, that makes things pretty consistent. 

'Riley doesn't see it that way. And, neither do I.' 

'You think you're a jerk because suddenly she doesn't like your inside jokes?'

'Farkle she's  _never_  been like this.'

'I know. But neither have you.'

 

At home, there is  _silence_. 

No more _Real Housewives_. 

Blue finally stopped crying. She rarely leaves the empty bed. 

It gives Maya too much time to think. 

She doesn't like what she learns. 

 

_'I don't want anyone to notice me.'_

_'Please stop picking on me.'_

_'Treat me like an ordinary person who nobody notices.'_

 

'Are you okay?'

'This isn't about me, Lucas.'

She knows her eyes are in a constant state of puffy, now. 

They're red and gross and her hair has never looked so tangled, and she's pretty sure she's even paler. Somehow. 

'Listen, if I-'

'Sit down and shut up,' Maya whirls onto him, and Zay sits down immediately. 

'I think Riley has an actual bully problem.'

 

Every time she blinks, her eyes burn. 

Going to sleep is a bitch, really. 

But before she knocks on the Matthews door, she blinks. 

A lot. 

She imagines it'll help the redness die down. 

[ It doesn't. ]

It's Auggie who opens the door. 

'Maya  _where_  have you been I've  _mis_ -'

'Maya?' 

It's Topanga, and she engulfs Maya into a hug so tight the waterworks are a real threat. 

[ Grammy hasn't been gone for even a week. ]

'I really need to talk to Riley.' 

'Want me in there with you?'

'Not for this.' Maya steps back, not ungratefully. 

Topanga smiles, and it's so sad Maya thinks she  _must_  know everything. 

 

Riley is on her bed, and only looks at her briefly. 

'You used the door. You never use the door.'

'You locked the window.' Maya shrugs. She thinks maybe she should ask before sitting on the bed, but she's never been one for politeness. 'Wanna tell me what's really going on?'

'It's stupid.'

'It's not stupid! Why wouldn't you come to me? Riley...'

She turns to Maya then, big eyes full of tears. 'I'm humiliated, Maya. By the time I realized what a bad friend I was being to you, it-'

'Honey, no.'

'Peaches,' It's Riley's automatic response, and Maya nearly  _breaks_. 'Let me finish.'

'I've been a bad friend. To you. You're right. I take my life for granted and I mock yours and I'm sorry. And I've been nothing but awful.' 

Riley's hands are shaking and so is her voice and Maya just wants to curl up under the blanket and hide. 

But they have to figure this out. 

'You're not a bully, Maya.' Brown eyes peer at her sadly. 'I've been taking all this out on you because... Someone is bullying me.'

'I know,'

And they're both crying. 

'Riley why wouldn't you tell me?'

Riley stands and shakes her head, pacing. 'I was humiliated. I _still_ am, I didn't want you to see that, Maya.'

'You don't have to hide, Riles.' There's disbelief and admiration in Maya's voice because Riley Matthews is the _strongest_ person she's ever known. Topanga is a warrior, it comes to no surprise that her daughter is too.

'It's getting _worse,_ Maya.'

'You know what the difference is between a conflict with a bully and a conflict with a friend?'

Riley looks at her, expectant and adoring and scared and nearly hopeful.

She hugs her best friend, and the world feels _right_.

'...You're the worst bully ever, Peaches.'

 

'I'm glad you felt safe enough to take it out on me,' Maya can barely speak around her tears.

There's a lull then, silence where they just stare at one another and Maya's fingers curl tightly because this is nowhere _near_ settled, there's still a fire behind both their eyes and laced in every word.

’People shouldn't make fun of other people,' Riley's voice catches. She starts pacing again.

Maya watches from the bed, rigid and hollow.

'You exist,' Riley spits, and Maya realizes these are the words of her bully. 'You exist. _Stop_ being weird, and _stop_ being happy, _no one_ should be as happy as you.'

She just wants to scream at the unfairness of it all.

'Honey,'

' _Stop being who you are_ ,'

And there are more tears, more sobs because someone has broken the girl who radiates sunshine and everything brilliant.

Riley says, ' _I'm fine_ ,' and this is when Maya jumps to her feet.

'I'm not. How _long_?"

There's a small shrug, one that Riley believes is enough to get anyone off her back, one that she hasn't learned through the years that Maya will latch on until she gets answers.

' _Riles_.'

'A few weeks.'

Maya nods, because what else can she do, really.

'Listen to me.' She waits until Riley meets her eyes. 'You are going to stay exactly who you are. Okay?'

'Okay,' It's a whisper, but it's enough, and they both collapse on the bed, crying.

 

Lucas tumbles in through the window and they jump. 

'Who is it, Riley?'

The girls ignore him. 

'You didn't lock the window.'

It's not important, in the grand scheme of things, because the most important thing was always to help Riley, the window may be a symbol to their bond but a bully problem trumps windows. And yet.

It means something, Maya thinks, that the window was never actually locked.

'I wanted to take it back right after I said it. Maya I'm  _sorry_ ,' 

'Don't be,' Maya stood and put her hands on Riley's shoulders. 'I should've been here sooner.'

'Riley who's doing this?' Lucas pulls them back. 

'I'm not telling you because I don't want to see Texas Lucas.'

' _Riley_ -' 

' _No_ , Lucas.' Riley stands and Maya hovers behind her. 'I've been a jerk to my best friend and I wouldn't even tell her why. I need to handle this myself. I need to make this right.'

'Not by yourself,' Farkle pops into the room. 'We're here for you, Riley. And however you decide to deal with this, we'll still be here.'

She wonders, idly, how they must look. Riley's eyes are vibrantly, violently red, Maya is sure her own are just the same, and now that they've stopped spitting venom at each other, she and Riley have yet to move more than half a foot apart.

Their friends rolling through from the fire escape barely had them blinking, but Zay strolling through the bedroom door, cereal bowl in hand is what stops them all.

And for less than a moment, they pause the angst and are amused.

It comes crashing back when Riley's cell goes off, and her smile breaks.

Maya is in ten different kinds of pain in this moment, her chest still feels like it's been compressed and her head is pounding, her shoulders ache with the weight of stress and fear and emotion, eyes on fire, throat constricted, even her ears have been ringing. 

Zay talks their ears off, but she focuses on pushing everything down. 

She needs to be strong. 

This is Riley Matthews, hurting and scared and sad. Maya has to be there for her. 

She takes hold of Riley's hand and hopes the trembling can go unnoticed.

 

After everything - Riley deep in the heart of Rileytown, with award shows and awful accents and a crowd of peers - they huddle down at Topanga's. 

Riley is under strict orders to stop apologizing, even if, realistically, the two of them still need to talk things out. 

Another day, maybe. Maya loathes the way they laugh at her home but she can look past it for another day, because right now they're moving on from something bigger, she thinks.

'Maya, you missed school.' Riley's shoulder is pressing against Maya's and that's more comfort than she could ask for, but her stomach still drops. 'And you still look sick.'

'Riles I'm not sick.'

'Coulda fooled me,' Zay, because who else.

Lucas looks at her, and she squirms because he was there, he pulled her from an anxiety attack, he knows about Grammy and she knows she looks like a train wreck but she was still hoping to  _hide_. 

'Lucas?' Riley tilts her head. 'You know something.'

Maya pulls her legs up and crossed them on the love seat, her knee resting on Riley's thigh. 

'She's right, Maya.' Farkle used his voice that's so matter of fact that she cringes. 'You said so yourself, you never miss school. But you weren't there Monday or Tuesday.'

'Or Friday,' Zay adds around a mouthful of pastry. 'I notice these things too, give a man some credit.'

Lucas straightens. 'Guys,' 

But if she doesn't spit it out, she might break even more.

'I was at a funeral.' 

There was silence. 

Riley's hand is warm, suddenly pressing on her knee, and Maya  _really_  didn't want to do this because she knows Riley, she knows this will lead to guilt. 

'Maya?'

By now, tears gather more often than not. 'Grammy died, Riles. On Sunday.' 

After that, Riley and Maya are both crying. 

Maya sobs, more than anything, but Riley has her cheek pressed to Maya's head and she feels cool tears, and the tightness in her chest worsens with the sobs and Riley's arms alike. 

She has her best friend back. 

That has to count for something. 

 

It isn't until two more weeks pass that Maya finally feels a little lighter. 

She's caught up on sleep. 

[ Blueberry takes to napping at the foot of her bed. Maya doesn't mind. ]

Riley's bully had long since disappeared, and took all the negative notions from her best friend with her. 

The bay window, which had never been locked to begin with, is open. 

It's always been open, whenever she, or any of them, need it. 

For the first few nights after Riley and Maya had made up, she kept sneaking in. 

She'd wake up curled next to her best friend, who promised pancakes and fruit downstairs courtesy of Topanga, and they'd make it through the day together because they're _best friends_. 

Looking back, all Maya sees is a jumbled mess.

Riley taking everything out on her, Maya finding the one flaw in their friendship and bringing it to light. Both of them ignoring what the other way saying for lack of understanding.

Tears and clenched jaws and the _days_ where they weren't speaking when they needed each other the most.

[ She thinks this teaches them about communication. But that's only if she's admitting something to Matthews. ]

And then one night, Maya had woken up to find Blue by her feet, the first night the cat had ventured from her usual room. 

Maya went to sleep with a cat on her bed and a ferret on her chest and the next morning she managed to feel a little bit lighter. 

Riley asks if she's okay, because she hadn't come over in the middle of the night.

'I miss her,' Maya smiles and ignores the sting in her eyes. 'Last night was a good night.'

And then, because she's Riley, it takes Maya less than an hour to pick her apart and find the guilt Riley still feels.

'Riles, stop.'

'How can I, Maya? You needed me and I wasn't there.'

'You needed me too. We messed up.' Maya puts down the sketchbook Zay bought her for some celebratory thing the group had two months ago. 'I'm not holding it against you, okay?'

Riley's lips quirk, the way they always do when she's thinking hard.

Maya sighs. 'I have an idea.'

 

She takes them all to Grammy's grave.

Riley cries.

Maya tries her hardest not to, because it's still relatively simple for her chest to tighten as her heart starts to pound in her ears, and she'd really rather keep the anxiety attacks to a minimum.

She didn't _need_ to bring them all out here. Zay never met her grandmother and the other two boys had only spoke to her in passing the one time, but she knows they're here more for moral support and comfort rather than obligation.

 

After that, they settle.

 

[ Well, before that:

'I'm sorry for what I said, Maya.'

She shook her head. 'We've moved past this, Riles. You don't need to apologize anymore, remember?'

'No, Maya.' Riley's voice takes on that pitch again, the one where she knows she's right, but no one else sees it. 'I mean for everything I've said. About your home. I'm judgmental and arrogant and you're my best friend - I should never have said those things.'

'Oh.'

They're at the bay window, because where else would they be, really. The sun is hot on their backs.

Riley grabs Maya's hand and waits for eye contact. 'Why have you never said anything?'

Truthfully, Maya has no idea.

She's never been shy with her words or opinions, if anything she's the first one to insult herself - if she does it first, it somehow seems less painful.

'I guess...' She trails off but her best friend is nothing but patient. 'I guess I just didn't know how to say it.'

Riley nods slowly. 'Well. It stops now, from everyone. I promise, Maya.'

'I believe you.' ]

**Author's Note:**

> title from cliff's edge, hayley kiyoko


End file.
